An Open Letter

Hello Penguins,

It's been a while since we had one of these chats. Frankly, I've felt like you haven't needed me in a while. We're in first in the Atlantic. We're in second in the east. Only that dirty Russian and his buddies have an edge on us, and let's face it they've been playing their butts off this year. That's ok. From a humble 4th place last year we went dancing with Stanley. Imagine what we can do two seeds higher!

But there's this thorn in our sides.

Oh Marty. In years past, we had your number. We used to be able to chase you right out of that net you were minding. Sid delighted in making you look like a fool on national TV. But these days you have vexed us, and we are dumbfounded before you.

Pens, take a look at that RIDICULOUSLY large ring on your finger. You are the Stanley Cup Champions. He's just a man. He's a man that essentially pooped his pants on the international stage this year. Plus he'll be wearing a different mask. Maybe he won't see as well.

Let me speak to a few of us individually here:

What gives? You've been cookies all season against just about every opponent. Something about those Red jerseys has been sending you around the bend. Let's put a stop to this tonight! You are the Flower (a nick name that simply cannot instill fear in the heart of anyone). You've gone over a year without a shutout. That ends tonight. I'm callin it right now. You keep your eyes on that puck and keep it out of your net. If someone's messing with you in the crease, you know what to do. Put an end to this nonsense.

Oh captain my captain.
Marty told me you played like a girl at the olympics. Doesn't that make you mad? Don't you want to go crazy and have a 5 point night? Tavares did it. You don't want that little punk showing you up do you? Go get 'em tiger!

Ponik...Ponikar...can I just call you Poni?

Word on the street is you're being given a shot on Sid's wing. Are you kidding me? Lesser people would be made kings on that line. You need to prove to every single Penguins fan in this city that you were worth the almost nothing we gave up for you. I'm thinking a hat trick ought to do the trick. Seriously, just put your stick somewhere near the net. Sid will figure out the precise angle the puck needs to hit it to make it into the net.

They've had our number all year boys. That comes to an end tonight! Go get em!

All business.


Fred said...

I couldn't have said it better myself J.