Leading without feeling like it.

Greetings friends.

I don't at all know what my issue was, but on Sunday I was a complete and total crank pot. I was super easily irritated. I made it through sound check with this low level nuclear reaction going on just slightly beneath my skin. When soundcheck was done, I sat in the back by the sound board and I was honestly amazed I had made it through the whole morning without yelling at one of the members of my worship team.

But then, as I was staring at my cup of Starbucks, I realized that the hard part was yet to come. The hard part was the 70 or so people who were about to walk through that door and look at me as a leader for their worship experience for the week. How could I possibly lead people in worship when my truest and most honest emotion that morning was anger? What if I let my anger show through in the worship leading? I closed my eyes for a couple of seconds behind the sound board, and prayed. I told God the truth, that there was no way that I would make it through the worship gathering without the Holy Spirit's assistance. I begged him to show up, rip open my heart, and give me the strength I needed to get through the service.

Because the truth was I couldn't just step up to a microphone and tell people "I'm not feeling it this week." At the risk of being super cliche, the show must go on. It was a moment that happens incredibly too seldomly in my life, where as I was taking the first couple of steps onto the stage, I realized that I was completely and totally depended on the Spirit's leading. Without him, I would fail completely.

It's always amazing when the things that we teach and hypothesize about actually turn out to be true. I have heard it said (and have probably said a few times myself) that when we empty ourselves out, and lean entirely on the Holy Spirit of God, He will show us the time of our lives. When we get out of the way for the Spirit, he tends to do wonderful things. There were no outlandishly awesome moments in worship on Sunday, butterflies didn't come and land on my head at any point in the worship service. But the whole way through the set, I had this peace and this joy in worshiping that I hadn't had in quite a long time. Things just felt right.

Now the trick is, how do you get yourself to realize that even if you feel like you're having a good day that you are still worthless without the Holy Spirit's guiding? How can I feel that way every Sunday? Or is it that you have to go through the difficult times sometimes to purge yourself of your own ego? I don't know. But I'll never approach an "off" day of Worship the same way again.

Godspeed,

Jason




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